I’ve been seeing a lot of stories about Toxic Masculinity lately. The main theme of these stories is about boys and young men who become followers of male health and fitness influencers that offer a dose of misogyny on the side when talking about what it means to be a man. Why are these influencers finding so much success with boys and young men?
Because it dovetails with another problem in our society right now; boys and young men who feel ignored and left behind by the rest of society.
I think a lot of people tend to underestimate the power of perception. What social psychologists call Frame of Reference: the set of assumptions or criteria by which a person or group judge’s ideas, actions, and experiences. (APA Dictionary of Psychology)
Add that with the constant bombardment by advertising and marketing and media that tell us what we should aspire to be, think, or behave for the good of a sale. They sell ideas, fantasies, and wishful thinking. They invent a problem you don’t have so they can sell you a product or service to fix it. We are consumers.
It’s exhausting! It can make any of us grumpy and depressed in ways that we can’t always articulate.
As far as I know, all of my readers here are grown adults, so I would like to remind you that these young people don’t have the mental armor developed to fend off the constant noise of everything pushed upon them by society. It gets built up over time like a callus. It’s easy for us to say get off your screen and go play outside, but they were born into this. Being outside in nature, is an unnatural state of being for many kids nowadays.
I tried to inoculate my own child from this by putting him in a 2-year Farm & Nature-based Preschool and spending as much time as possible on playgrounds or out in our yard, but once his public-school education started that nature-based part of his life become nothing more than a fragmented dream sequence. The extent of his nature exposure now is reduced to his half-mile walk to school and next year he’ll have to ride the bus.
Every generation has its challenges. What we could all use is more empathy and less judgement.
Let’s put ourselves in the shoes of a hypothetical U.S. Cisgender White boy in middle school (ages 10-14) right now in 2024 and what that might feel like:
You’re struggling with your schoolwork.
You feel demoralized because very little of what you do feels like it matters.
The world is dying; it’s your fault or maybe it’s not, but you have to live with the consequences either way.
Everything around you is deeply politicized. You’re afraid to offer an opinion because, first of all, no asked you and secondly, you don’t want to say the wrong thing.
You can’t have an opinion about the 2nd Amendment or guns because if it’s even mildly positive people might think you’re planning on being the next school shooter. You might be worried about dying in a school shooting, but adults keep telling you “It’s fine” and not to worry about it. Nothing changes.
You can’t have an opinion about DEI: diversity, equity and inclusion, race, or LBTGQ issues.
You get criticized for playing video games.
Every new dumb TikTok challenge is somehow your fault or at the very least adults in your life feel obligated to tell you not to do said dumb TikTok challenge because they don’t want to be judged and vilified for being bad parents if they don’t.
At the end of the day, I hope you weren’t planning to cry, get upset, or feel frustrated about any of the above topics because someone, some visible or invisible person, representing the whole of society might judge you for it.
How do you feel?
Abandoned?
Alone?
Ignored?
You turn to a screen to watch YouTube, Instagram or TikTok channels about your favorite video games or watch game streamers. You get ads to join the military, protein shakes to get big and lean, tactical hoodies, and investment scams depicting images of well-dressed men with a beautiful woman, fancy cars, and travel to exotic destinations by private plane or first-class. (These are real ads my son and I see when watching movie and video game videos on YouTube.)
The algorithms start to recommend more than just video game content because “people like you” also like health & fitness topics, car modifications, weapons, survivalism, and dooms day prepping. Why just play games and watch shows about zombie apocalypses when you can prepare for one? Don’t you want to buy cool gear? Don’t you want to show your friends this cool new thing?
You thought you were abandoned, alone and ignored, but there’s a group of people talking directly to you, and they have an agenda. Guess what? It’s still not about you, but what you can do for them by liking their content, buying their products, and sharing it.
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We all get filter by algorithms, but most adults tend to be more cynical or aware of how much we’re being marketed too. You might not be as aware of how much you’re being manipulated though through what’s called mere exposure effect: ‘a phenomenon in which people like something more as a result of repeated previous exposure to it, however brief and fleeting.’ It’s used to market products to you and sway buy-in for political or social ideas and/or beliefs.
The ages of 10-18 are important formative years where we tend to try on different personas and opinions to figure out who we want to be as we enter adulthood. Despite being nearly fifty, I still remember how me, and my friends struggled through those years to define who we wanted to be. I feel fortunate that I always had a fairly balanced mix of male and female friends, friends who were straight and gay, and friends who were ethnically diverse. My core values as an adult were built upon our shared experiences. It’s hard to be a racist when you’ve cried with your friends about the injustices, they or their family has been through and what you have personally witnessed.
One time my best friend Anna and I were returning from Canada and the U.S. Border & Customs agent threatened to deport her, an indigenous tribal member of the Colville Confederated tribes, because he wasn’t willing to recognize her tribal id card as valid identification. How do you deport someone who’s family has lived in the United States longer than it’s existed? Deport her to where?
We refused to be separated or get out of the car. I was ready to back up and drive the two hours to the next port of entry in hopes of getting a non-racist border agent. (This happened circa 1992) Fortunately, after some back and forth I said something to the effect of, “Can I just extradite her back to the Rez myself and save us all the paperwork?” I guess the threat of paperwork was good enough because he let us pass. She didn’t even live on the Rez, she was my roommate and had already spent most of her life in the city like most Indigenous Americans, but racists aren’t usually interested in fun facts like that. (Rez is short for American Indian reservations.)
We need to lift up the next generation of nontoxic role models that encompass the compassion, strength and love of learning that we’ve seen in the past male role models like Mister Rogers, Bob Ross, Bob Vila, LaVar Burton, and Steve Irwin.
For all the men that make the news for their toxic masculinity remember that there are billions of nontoxic men across the world! It’s media and algorithms that favor the outliers who are so outrageous they drive up the traffic on media sites, likes, comments, and view. Our boys aren’t broken, the system is failing them. It’s failing our girls. It’s failing ALL OF US!
I hope that if you have young men in your life that you’re asking them what they think and feel about current issues without being judgmental or dismissive. We all need safe people in our life that we can talk to. We all need the opportunity to explore different thoughts and feelings in healthy ways.
My 14yo son said last month that he wanted to be masculine, “but in a nontoxic way.” I said, “So no Andrew Tate then huh?” and he rolled his eyes and said, “God no!” (If you don’t already know, Andrew Tate is one of the current poster boys for Toxic Masculinity and was recently arrested in Romania for sex trafficking.)
If you’re concerned about where someone is headed in life you need to talk to them directly. I once received an unusually dark and cryptic text from a male friend. I immediately picked up the phone and said, “I need to know you’re okay. I need to know you’re not a danger to yourself or to others.”
He chuckled softly and said, “I forgot you was you.” And I knew by the way he said it that it mattered that I hadn’t hesitated to pick up the phone and call him. We talked for a long time, and we were both better for it by the time we hung up.
I’d be weirded out if one of my friends were prone to weeping all the time. That’s not healthy. It’s not about a person’s gender, it means you might need professional counseling.
Here’s brief list of core values:
Dependability Integrity Generosity Courage Adaptability Assertiveness Open-Mindedness Compassion Gratitude Strength
None of these are gendered unless you choose to make them about gender. There is strength in going through cancer treatment and still trying to make the most of each day despite limitations. It also takes strength to continue on a personal journey that may be physically or emotionally challenging. Courage can also mean a lot of different things. Why would you strike up the courage to fight a bear? Just leave the poor bear alone! As someone who has a lot of bears coming through my neighborhood right now. I can tell you they just want to be left alone and find some grub.
Have the courage to define yourself on your own terms and not someone else’s.
Let’s clear up a popular myth:
“the Alpha Male” – a man that is the leader of the pack, supposedly playing off the idea that wolves have a social hierarchy with an alpha male and alpha female at the top. Sure “alpha male” may sound sexy, but that wolf is just dad. The younger wolves might be looking up at him and cringing because of all the bad “dad jokes” he’s telling. The study that is often cited to give the “alpha male” trope credibility was based off of wolves in captivity in 1947 and in less-than-ideal conditions. (See story link below.)
Make no mistake, women can also be toxic. Anyone holding up a funhouse mirror telling you that you need to be a certain type of way should not be allowed to possess a lot of space in your brain or your heart.
When my son was a toddler, I took him to one of those age-appropriate indoor place places that’s basically a big, padded room with a bunch of padded and inflatable slides to play on. He was getting along great with a boy and a girl who were also there without siblings. They liked taking their turns and laughing as each one tried to roll down the slide sillier than the last person who went.
In walks a mom with two toddler girls and my son, apparently vying for Mister Congeniality, decided to go over and greet the girls and invite them to play. The girls shied away from him as the mom made a bunch of drama blocking him from them and saying; “Ew, stinky boy.”, “Boys are gross.”, “We don’t like boys!” and the girls parroting her. My son was confused. I was livid.
I happened to be sitting and chatting next to the father of the girl my son had been playing with moment before. He and I gave a quick, “What the heck?” look before I stood and told the woman, “Excuse me! The only stinky, nasty person here is you! I hope your girls grow up and see how small-minded you are! I hope they kick themselves out of that doll box you’re trying to keep them in!”
My new dad-bro friend clapped, and the toxic mom grabbed her daughters and left in a huff. She hadn’t been there any longer than two minutes. I still feel sorry for those girls. I hope they’re growing up okay despite that woman. I told my son to go back and continue playing with his ‘nice friends.’
Whoever you are reading this right now, make sure you spend time with your ‘nice friends’ who raise you up not put you down.
If you have the time, here’s an excellent YouTube video on the subject:
Related Links:
APA Dictionary of Psychology – Frame of Reference
The Mere Exposure Effect in Marketing & Advertising | Built In
https://phys.org/news/2021-04-wolf-dont-alpha-males-females.html
*This post was 100% written by a tired human. If there are mistakes, they are mine. I own them, but feel free to adopt them.
The Nature-led Life 
excellent post!!!! I couldn’t agree more and Im so glad I grew up when I did. I have friends freshly married and some are considering not having kids because thry don’t want tp bring them into this world. That is sad.
And those influencers? I feel bad for them. You know they want to eat junk food or have a cheeseburger but won’t. A slave and entrapped by their own doing and giving in to the pressure to look good.
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As a parent, I understand younger generations hesitation or flat-out refusal to want children. Society judges us harshly, it’s easier to blame the parents than look at larger societal issues and their effects. Heaven forbid tech companies be held responsible for their over-sized shadow on society and the economy! They only care about making genies, they aren’t in the business of making bottles for them and the rule of law can’t possibly keep up.
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I’m very grateful I didn’t grow up in the age of social media and all the pressure that comes with it. I could be very wrong, but social media might be reaching a saturation point where it starts to give our young people the ‘ick’ – which means maybe there is something new on the horizon for them to deal with.
As for that mother at the play centre – I’m pleased you gave her a ticking off – though I’m guessing she’s the type who will twist the narrative so that she’s the victim.
Sx
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I think you are right that media is reaching a kind of saturation point, but what comes next? There is real psychological warfare going on with how corporations operate to exploit consumers. When I was looking for a job in 1996?1997? I saw an advert in the paper calling on people with Sociology and Psychology degrees to apply for consumer marketing positions. People trained to influence the brain of other humans who weren’t required to sign the Hippocratic Oath to “do no harm.” I was disgusted, but I knew they would get their people. I saw this seismic shift come, but not what I, a broke college student eating every other day to save money, could do about it.
I can honestly say that mother in the play place was one of the strangest interactions I’ve ever had in my life, which is saying a lot!
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An excellent post, Melanie. I’m 74 years old & male & just don’t get it (toxic masculinity). I should add that across the world there seems to be a rise in dictators with extreme views & some are hellbent on reversing any progress in democratic governance!
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Thank you, Ashley. In the 80s and 90s U.S. politics were animated, but there was a sense that things would work out “well enough” overall. Several members of congress on opposing sides were known to be friends outside of work hours and congeniality prevailed. The boat of American Democracy leaned more left or more right in some years, but we never feared being capsized, until now.
I’ve been studying the common threads of previous collapses of civilizations lately. The prognosis is not good. All the pieces are coming into place. I hate to sound negative, but I’m starting to feel like we’re just rearranging furniture on the titanic.
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I sometimes think that “the West” is running blindly towards the cliff edge. We have an election here in the UK in July & I’m in two minds whether to vote (I never imagined I’d ever say that)! Our politicians, left, right & centre, have given up on serving the people who elect them so that they can look after themselves. Kerfe says we need a cultural shift! Is that another word for revolution?
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Is there such a thing as a peaceful revolution? I see “cultural shift” as getting enough people of the same mindset that it starts to make a difference and we can avert violence. Violence rarely seems to solve everything it just cycles through new generations.
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See also my follow-up comment to Kerfe for what a cultural shift could look like. I don’t want to be the face of a revolution; I want to be the quiet strategist pushing for change.
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My girls made it just before the ubiquity of cell phones, and well before smart phones. Neither one is even on Facebook (nor have I ever been). They have both remarked that it would have been much harder growing up in the pressure of social media. One thing schools could do is teach about its dangers (no–never send ANYONE a nude photo). And ban phones completely during school hours. Lock them up when the kids come in and unlock them and give them back when they go home. I have to laugh (cringe actually) at these people trying to ban books from school libraries, or the teaching of different subjects. Does your child have a cell phone? Nothing is banned from kids now, nor can it be if they have their own phone or use a computer.
Kids need role models for sure. And some kind of direction, a future. Well we all need that.
I don’t know what the answer is. Young men, especially in groups, behaved badly when I was a teenager in the 60s. It doesn’t seem that much different to me now except more of them have guns. There’s always been peer pressure to be “manly” which involves power and violence. (ie West Side Story–my suburban neighborhood had “greaser” gangs, although they fought with fists and knives, not guns–the “collegiates and sports team types were more along the lines of Brett Kavanaugh abusers–only the hippies and nerds were mostly free of that way of being a man). We need an entire cultural shift. (K)
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Yes, to all of what you said Kerfe! Your last line says it all, we need an entire cultural shift, but the big question is how? It’s clear that as it stands, profits are more important than our children. How do we shift that?
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That’s the dilemma. Profits seem to be more important than anything else–it’s what our economy is based on. We have to get out of the consumer mindset and into something more sustainable. But how is correct? Even necessities like medical care are all about the bottom line now. That wasn’t true before Big Business took over all the hospitals and doctors’ offices. I wish I had an answer…
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I’m working on a book where I’d like to propose a new economy, one that’s braided with people, planet and profit as the bottom line. Capitalism, profit alone is a one-legged stool. I got the idea from contemplating the LEED Cert. Green Buildings program. I’m trying to create a framework of guidelines that can practically get us from Capitalism to what I call a Nature-led Society. I’m still teasing out how that would look so I’m not ready to talk about it yet, but it could provide the cultural shift we need. I have no doubt it will be a David vs Goliath fight, so I want to make sure I’m prepared.
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That’s what we need! Good luck!
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Interesting post, especially the border-crossing story. The whole alpha male concept, I believe, came out of a study of a pack of wolves, but it wasn’t a naturally formed pack, it was captive and formed by humans, not the wolves themselves. The researcher later acknowledged that it wasn’t a valid study.
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